The Secret Lives of D Grayman
by Resu
Summary: We all know that the characters of D. Gray-man can be pretty weird. But what happens when their secret lives are discovered? Pure crack.
1. Chapter 1: Kanda the Stalker

Writer's note: This is the product of writing at 3 in the morning with a pile of sour gummy worms and cookies on hand.

Neither of us own D. Gray-man.

Story 1: Kanda the stalker

It was a day like any other as Kanda sat in the cafeteria eating soba noodles. As he slurped on his noodles, he watched Moyashi cross to sit by the troll... A.K.A. Lenalee. Unfortunately, he was just out of his line of site. Curious as to what Moyashi was eating, Kanda walked across the room, leaping behind a conviently indoor-growing bush with the agility of a gazelle and gracefullness of a whale. Peeking past the leaves, he tried to perseve the foods spread across the table. There were plates of jello sushi, chocolate covered shrimp, chili with Junior Mints, and a side of pickles and milk. Delicious. Kanda was impressed by the quality and quantity of food. However, Lenalee only had a cup of yogurt sprinkled with squirrel babies.

After watching the boy eat his food, Kanda still wasn't satisfied. So, he skillfully followed Allen to his room. Seeing as there was no lighting, Kanda disguised himself as a lamp. Allen, not realizing there was a man-lamp in his bedroom, went to sleep. Kanda watched him all night, finally sneaking out at daybreak, bored of his little adventure. As he walked down the hall, he spotted Komui instructing one of his many failed robots to make some bacon while protecting Lenalee. Kanda, intrigued, twirled behind a pillar, listening...

Later that day, Allen commented to Lenalee about a mysterious lamp that had appeared in his room last night.


	2. Chapter 2: Lavi the Animal Horder

**Author: Thanks for the reviews everyone I've got a couple more "stories" to post, and I'll do so as I write them. Remember, this is meant to make no sense whatsoever! Enjoy!**

Story 2: Lavi the animal hoarder

Allen arrived just on time at exactly 5:00 for some errands. Unfortunately, Lavi was late like he ordinarily was. It was unfortunate that Lavi had totaled his car, yet again. Half an hour later, Lavi rushed out of his house and into the car. Allen wrinkled his nose at the strong smell of cologne. "Are you wearing cologne?" Lavi smiled in response. "No, of course not. Why would I wear cologne?" Allen gave him a deadpan stare and started the car.

They were just pulling out when Lavie started shouting and flailing like a fish. Allen slammed on the breaks and pushed himself against the door, trying to escape the flying arms and legs. There was a loud crunching noise and Allen looked down to see Lavi's fist jammed into the radio and his foot through the glove box. There was a moment of silence. Then Lavi grinned. "I forgot a DVD I was supposed to bring. Could you go in and get it while I fix this?" "..." Allen got out of the car and made his way up the steps.

As soon as he opened the door he was overpowered by the smell of colonge. Trying to ignore it, he stepped inside. Closing the door behind him, he had the feeling he was being watched by many eyes. He made his way to the kitchen, looking for the DVD. In the doorway, he heard a snort from the other side of the kitchen. Turning slowly, a moose eating a pile of muffins on the table entered his line of sight. Screaming like a girl, he jumped back, tripping over a waiting rabbit. He landed on his back and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he was greeted by cats on his chest, a dog licking his forehead, snakes and lizards squirming on his arms, birds flying around, and other animals, mostly rabbits, surrounding him.

He stared for a moment, than bolted out the door, screaming at the top of his lungs. Allen jumped into the car, staring at Lavi, who was covered in grease up to his elbows. "Did you get it?" Lavi asked innocently.


	3. Chapter 3: Allen the Chef

Chapter 3: Allen the Chef

Note from the authors: _Prepare yourself reader, this chapter makes the even less sense then its predecessors. We blame gummiworms and lack of sleep. You may just blame our non-existent brains. We own neither Allen not Kanda, though we do own the man-lamp Enjoy, or don't if you'd rather._

Allen Walker had always wanted to be a chef. An Italian chef, to be precise. To be even more precise, an Italian pastry chef with a curly mustache. His dream originated in his childhood when Cross left him to starve and he had to make some cookies. He didn't realize his dream until he joined the Black Order and tasted Jerry's desserts for the first time. It was from then on he vowed to somehow, some way become Jerry's apprentice.

One day, while Allen was baking a cherry pie, his man-lamp strolled casually into the kitchen. "OHMYGAWSH!" Allen exclaimed, dropping his batter-covered spoon, half of his mustache hanging loosely from his lip. Kanda immediately turned and walked away. Allen leaps dramatically forward and grabbed Kanda's ponytail. Kanda punched him in the face, sending him crashing into the oven. Allen, unfazed by the previous assault, stood up and grabbed Kanda's shoulders. "I need a lamp." Kanda sighed and walked to the wall, then started glowing. Allen, utterly confused, looked around the room. "Where's Kan- OH A LAMP!" Repositioning his mustache, he went back to baking his cherry pie.


	4. Chapter 4: Lenalee the Troll

_**E/N: Hola mi amigos! Another chapter this week, and hopefully the start of a schedule. We should be updating every other week from now on. We'd like to remind you as always that we don't own the characters of D. Gray-man. Enjoy!**_

Chapter 2: Lenalle the Troll

"Hola! Tengo un problemo. Yo solo puedo hablar espanol!" Allen Walker rambled to the webcam on his desk. He was making his weekly video blog, which he broadcasted on the Black Order website. He had developed a disorder from one of Komui's defective potions. Kanda had stolen while stalking, given it to Lavi, who then gave it to Allen, telling him it would make him grow taller.

Sometime after he finished the video, Allen came back to check the comments. To his dismay, the only comments to be found were ugly and troll-esque. Infuriated and sad, Allen looked for the username: Trollololol. He must find out who this person was! He could have his man-lamp beat him to a pulp for him… That is, if he could find it. It would turn up in the oddest places.

A search on the Black Order website told him that this Trollololol lived on the 1031th floor of the headquarters. Huh, what a coincidence, that was Lenalee's floor. Maybe she would know who this wacko was. Before leaving to ask her, he checked back on the comments one more time. The trolling was still continuing. Some of the new comments included "You're dumb", "You can't speak Spanish, you ignorant twit", "beansprout", "This is stupid. Like you", and his personal favorite "Go die in a ditch you short old fat man". "NO ESTOY GORDO!" He roared at the computer, smashing his keyboard with his face. Now seething, Allen burst out of his room, and tore upstairs.

"LENALEEEEEE!" he screamed, kicking in the door. The room was dark, except for the glowing of a computer screen. Lenalee, draped in a blanket, whipped around. Foam dripped from her grinning mouth, her crazy eyes flashing. She was muttering something, which slowly built into a battle cry of "I AM TROLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!" Screaming, she shoved her chair towards him, rolling at him with amazing speeds. Allen, terrified, bolted back down the stairs, screeching "LO SIENTO LO SIENTO LO SIENTO!"

Lenalee slowly rolled back to her computer, muttering to her man lamp, which was glowing in the corner of the room. "We done good today, Kanda." Kanda nodded blankly. Lenalee, eye twitching, turned back to her computer and continued typing.


	5. Special Chapter: Contest

-The lights slowly turn on, revealing a set of curtains which slowly open. Allen, Kanda, Lavi, and Lenalee all stand on the stage-

_Allen_: Hello faithful fan fiction readers~! We're glad you've enjoyed these (totally false*cough*) stories about me and my friends at the Black Order.

_Kanda_:… Friends? Lies.

_Allen_: Hahaha I wasn't taking about you, Bakanda.

_Kanda_: *Eye twitch*

_Lavi_: Now now, Allen, don't be mean to my Bestie! *hugs Kanda*

_Lenalee_: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! *grabs Mugen from Kanda, then shakes him*

_Lavi_: Someone's grumpy~ Stay up late trollin' last night, again~?

_Lenalee_: Butt out *growls*

_Allen_: Calm down, everyone. I have some cookies here for you all, so please be quiet and let me finish the announcement.

_Lavi & Lenalee_: COOKIES!

_Kanda_: ….cookies…..

_Allen_: *passes out cookies* Anywho, we have a little contest for all you readers. The 20th person who reviews on this story gets the privilege to decide the subject and character of the next story.

-The writers suddenly burst in through the ceiling and door-

_Evie (writer #1)_: *bursts through ceiling superman style* DID I HEAR SOMETHING ABOUT COOKIES?

_Amanda (writer #2)_: *kicks in door* DID I HEAR SOMETHING ABOUT A CONTEST?

_Allen_: Yes to both! *sweat drop*

_Writers_: YEEEEHAWWWW! *war dance*

_Amanda_: Please review! We'll share our virtual cookies with you! *steals the cookie plate from Allen*

_Evie_: No we're not…

_Amanda_: *glare* Yes, we wi-

_Allen_: BYE EVERYONE THANKS FOR TUNING IN!

-Curtans close and the lights fade out despite the screaming which still remains-

_Amanda_: YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, AND I'M THE SMART ONE!

_Evie_: True… BUT STILL. MRAWWWW THEY'RE MINE.

_Lavi_: Cage fight~

_Italy's note: Pastaaaaaaa~_


	6. Chapter 5: Road the Rapper

A/N: _We don't own D. Gray Man, or any of the characters in it. The lovely rap is derived from the not so lovely "Tic Tok" by Ke$ha. However, the idea and writing presented in this work are credit to us. Please do not use or post elsewhere without our express permission. ENJOY THE MADNESS!_

Chapter 5: Road the Rapper

One fine day Allen and Lavi ventured into the nearby town of Laynewich to shop for a computer for Lenalee. To Allen's horror, he had broken it earlier that day in an unfortunate attempt to transfer food onto the internet by slamming it into the screen. It almost worked. A couple pieces of bacon ended up showing up when he tried jamming them into the CD player. However, soon after the computer issued a billow of bacon smelling smoke, and the screen went blank.

"While we're here let's get a good sandwich." Lavi said, skipping backwards while balancing a box of kittens he'd found on the side of the road on his head.

"Why a sandwich? Why not Tarte au Pistou, or profiteroles?" Allen enquired, eyes glues to the precariously balanced box of kittens. Every now and again one of the puff balls would lean out and bat at Lavi's temptingly fluffy hair and set the box momentarily off balance.

"I know what you mean," Allen sighed to the kittens, "he's got quiet nice hair… almost like a bunny rabbit." Allen eyed Lavi's hair, then leaned in and batted at it lightly.

Lavi, oblivious to Allen molesting his hair, continued on, "Well, I mean, the place IS called LayneWICH. Though that kinda sounds like LameWich. Or possibly LaneWich. AH! SANDWICH ROADS!" At this apparently joyous thought, Lavi leaped into the air in excitement. Miraculously the box of kittens managed to keep its place on his head. Unfortunately, Allen's hand ended up getting caught in Lavi's gorgeous shining red locks. (We obviously love his hair~)

As the entered the town, a shill voice reached their ears. It seemed to be screeching a rap song.

Wake up in the morning feeling like M Earl

Put Tikki's hat on, I'm out the door - I'm gonna hit this Order

Before I leave, brush my teeth with a lollypop

Cause when I leave for this fight, I ain't coming back... soon

I'm rappin' - chopping off my foes toes

Bumbabump ba ba ba baaa baaa

Blowing up dem boys, boys

Droptoppin', playing our favorite battle music

ILOVEYOUALLEN

Trying to get a little bit hippy

The "song" slowly degraded into a lot of incoherent screeching, with words such as "Allen", "Candy" , and "Lero" sometimes becoming distinguishable.

Lavi gagged, covering his ears as the vile "music" infiltrated them, and pounded on his ear drums. The horrible sound made his eyes water, and before them the world started to spin and distort in time with the sounds. He was dying. The sounds were not even sounds but poisons infiltrating his very being. His fluffy head cargo had all abandoned him in favor of their lives. He did not blame them. At least they would live to tell the horrify tale, and to warm everyone else.

"T-this," Allen sobbes, tears streaming down his face, and sparkling like diamonds as they fell, "This is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard." He began swaying to the music, yanking Lavi's head along with his hand, starring up at the sky with bliss.

Suddenly the music stoped, and Lavi and Allen stared after it, with tears in their eyes for very different reasons.

"I MUST FIND THE OWNER OF THAT VOICE!" Allen yelled, sprinting down the road, towing Lavi behind him by his hair. Allen skidded around the corner to find Road sitting on the side of the road (hehe). She had on a sideways baseball cap, and a baggy jacket and gold chains. Tikki Mik stood beside her in a suit, holding a clip board and clapping. He paused his clapping to nudge up a pair of glasses that sat perched on his nose.

"YOU!" Allen hollored, pointing dramatically at Road.

Road turned towards him and grinned, "Yo homie. You diggin' this tune? Ya feelin the jam?" she moved her hands in a weird fashion as she spoke.

"YES, I'M DIGGING IT!" Allen cried, falling tp his knees and slamming Lavi's head into the concrete. "What is your name, oh Glorious One?"

"Yo yo yo man. I ain't thought 'bout it much. Ya know?"

"Oh, dear! Would you like me to help you come up with one?" Allen enquired, lifting his head.

"Yo, man. I'm diggin' this idea, man. Chillin'."

"How about Road P Pockets?" Lavi offered dizzily, considering silently if he had suffered serious brain damage.

"No no no no NO." Allen insisted, shaking his head. "Delicious Road R is much better."

"You're all wrong, you daft, naïve babies." Kanda hissed, appearing from the shadows. "Naughty R Road Gravy. Also known as Foxy Passion." With that said, he melted back into the shadows, leaving a faint glow in his wake.

"PIXIE DUST!" Lavi giggled/screamed, madness dancing in his eyes.

"… What?" Allen sweat dropped, giving Lavi a disapproving look. He was disgracing himself in front of the Glorious One.

"Yo, dawg, I'm feelin' it. Foxy Passion, man. That's it, right there, dawg. I gotta high tail it. Peace." Foxy Passion dashed down the street, followed by her manager.

"Don't leave-" Allen's cry was interrupted by a loud screeching noise. He turned around to see Lenalee rolling down the street in her chair, the blanket billowing behind her like cape, foam flying from her mouth.

"! MY COMPUTER SMELLS LIKE BACON!" 


End file.
